Fast week.

Sick.

Didn't go to school today. Wasn't feeling too well. I woke up at 3am Cause my stomach didn't feel so good. It was actually hurting very badly. So i went to the toilet. I start to throw up abit. BUt it still felt very pain. I sat on the toilet fall awhile and i was really afraid to stand again cause i might faint. But i didn't have a choice. So, i stood up and when back to my room. But my stomach was still hurting and i decided to go back to the toilet. But still, no use. I went to boil some water so that i could take something warm. While i was drinking, i was also sitting on the kitchen fall. Soon, i realised it was 4am and my dad has woken up. He was shocked to see me on the fall. I applied some oilment. Minutes, i rushed to the kitchen cause this time, i really needed to throw up. The toilets in the house were all occupied so i had no other choice but to throw up in the kitchen sink. And i did, A lot!! But i didn't feel so "xing ku" after that. Wanted to go to school when i woke up but my mum asked me not to. So i stayed at home the whole day resting. Thank God i feel so much better now. I cannot afford to miss anymore lessons. Ms Tan also messaged me today to remind her to tell the class about some staff and to ask me how i was feeling. Haha. Was really shocked. Well, kind of nervous that tonight i will feel sick again. Ah!! I'm healed in Jesus name! I need a good sleep.

Try again.

Did my QT just now. In the beginning, i was dirupted by my brother. How irritating. But anyway, i continued. And it was good. I want to depend on the Holy Spirit always. I don't want to live one moment relying on my own strength or on others. Yeah~ Started school again today. There's so much work already. And so stressful!!! Oh man. Kind of tired. Got a new timetable. Ain't very fantastic or what i would hoped for. But it's alright. I've got around 3 months to preapare for the exams. And i kind of have no idea how i'm going to finish studying. It'll take another miracle. Well, i just got to work hard from now. Can't stay out too late all the time, waste my time doing nothing or sleeping. Tough!!!

Encounter!

What an encounter i had with Jesus today in my room. I was doing my quiet time and Jesus just walked in. I felt the warmth of His embrace and i never will forget oday. Suzy spoke to me in the afternoon. The both of us ended up crying. Tears kept flowing down our eyes. But i felt so sick and tired of the life i'm living and i just wanted something better in fact, the best! I want to depend on the Holy Spirit. I know that my life from today will never be the same again cause i encountered God for myself! My verse of the week - Isa 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You."

Shagged

Feeling super SHAGGED now! Told Yufen that i won't be going for service tomorrow. Actually, i didn't want to go for today's service. But it felt like i didn't have a choice. Oh well. Barely spoke anything today. Guess i just wanted to isolate myself. Praise and worship i also barely sang. Pray also never close eyes. I know it was a horrible attitude. I really don't know where my heart is now. And it feels like i'm just living for the sake of living. Actually, i guessed the past week a lot of things happened. Just feel very abandoned and alone. The feeling is scary. I feel lost and empty. Had so much trouble sleeping at night. I didn't know who i could talk to. Cause i know whoever i SMS, i won't recieve a reply. And i struggled to sleep. I just wish that there was someone here. But there is no one. The whole week was filled with lonliness. I laid on my bed crying myself to sleep. Because i didn't know who to look for. I really don't know. I feel that i'm too available and people so often make use of me. I really don't mind. But the only time i hear from them is when they've got a favor to ask. And many times i wish that they will be the ones i can look for. But they're not there. My mind is really spinning now. I really feel lost. And.. I can't describe this feeling.

Pictures worth a thousand words.

Let The Pictures Reveal My Heart

I wish i could turn back time.

Weizhi came to talk to me online. Was really shock. But he didnt seem to be his usual self. Or i suppose time has changed. He will never treat me the way he used to. Is this his true self then? In a way my heart hurts and i don't know why, Sigh. But i guess it's a good sign that he is starting to talk to me again.

Bad memories..

Woke up late this morning. Had to rush to school. But thank God i managed to make it in time. Above that, when i woke up, i was in tears. Think i had a pretty bad dream. Can't really remember. Oh well. I'm so tired after spending the whole day in school. Tomorrow have to go school again. Given a lot of work to do. Just hoping that i can finish before school starts. Which means i may not be able to make it for tomorrow's Youth Camp BBQ. Got to see how tomorrow i guess. Yay! Maybe this week can go fisherman's village again to drink. Hmm.Today when we went Macdonald's for breakfast, Weizhi suddenly came over cause Louis was here too. He passed some cigerettes to Louis. Still remembered the time when he didn't want me to know that he smokes cause i don't like. So, at first he said he doesn't smoke. Of course i didn't believe so i waited for him to admit. And he finally did. But i wasn't angry. If only he knew that then. But over already. Had eye contact with him but i didn't dare to look so long. Don't know why. Oh well. I've got no mood for this kind of things now. Focus on my studies first. School's going to start again next week. Feeling really nervous. Going through the Chinese paper during Chinese lesson. Wishing for the best. I really don't want to know how i fair. Recieved am E-mail from SUN last week. Everytime i read her mail, i'm just overwhelmed by love. She gave me so much encouragement through what she replies. I told her that a lot of my friends often laugh at me over my Chinese. THough they don't know it, it hurts me deeply. Even the ones who i thought would support me, they bring me to the lowest. After what SUN said, it doesn't matter anymore. (SUN, thank you!) She E-mailed me today again. She always mail me at the right time when i don't feel to good. Just love her! :)

show me the meaning.

Feeling so meaningless now. Don't know why. I just allowed the June holidays to pass like that. Barely even study during this holidays. Wonder how am i going to sit for my O levels. I won't be surprise if my results don't come out good. I wish i am able to isolate myself from everything else and study. But everytime i try, i keep going back. This is so irritating. If only i was a natural born genius. Then perhaps i don't have to worry this much. But sadly, i am not. I guess i should try living a few days without my handphone. Keeps ringing and all. All the distractions. Got to go school tomorrow for class. I just hope that i will be able to wake up. It's been a long time since i last wake up so early, tie my hair and go to school. I'm pretty excited actually. Can get myself away from certain stuff. Feel like going fisherman village again with the gang. Haha. I guess i'll drink more than the other time. Just very tired now i suppose. I just want to finish my education and get on with life. Sigh.

You make all things new.

Yesterday was a long day. But it was awesome! Service was really good. After service got meeting then later on while walking back into the hall, bumped into Lucas. We chatted awhile. Haha. Super happy! Lol. He started the conversation. Not too bad. Very long never see him already so it was good to talk to him yesterday. I just came home not long ago from Richie's house. Went to celebrate his birthday. And i'm tired now. Tomorrow going to go out for movie and dinner with Derence. So must sleep well. Haha. Hope that y parents will leave some money for me. If not, i've got only $2.85 to go out with which is pathetic.

Power to define.

It was such an awesome day! Though it's hard to believe that i'm back home at this time. It's feels as if now is already passed midnight but it's not! Had combined sub-zone meeting today. It was fantastic. Irene showed us a video on Oscar Schindler, how this one man can make a different in the lives of 1300 Jews during the World War 2. God used a non-believer to save 1300 Jews. I believe that God will use me in a greater way! Irene preached on imperfect people that God used. I feel that i'm like Gideon. Fearful, doubtful, no faith. If God can used someone like him, i can be used as well. After the combined sub-zone meeting, rushed down for service. Pastor preached on 'Salting Humanity'. Revelation! He talked on the human soul. A revelation i recieved is that if our human soul needs are not satisfied, we will feel a sense of emptiness. Our soul cannot be left starving. Therefore, the 7 needs of every human soul must be satisfied so that whatever we do for God will be fruitful and at the same time, our own personal lives will be happy. To gain complete happiness, the human soul needs to be satisfied. :)

God is the strength of my heart

You will never know how i feel now that i've let you go. The damage that i've caused myself when i said those words. You gave me heaven but i brought you through hell. How i wish i could say that i really miss you. And when i hear your voice, feel likes my world has stood still. I can't wait to go to school, cause i'll get to see you. But i have to do it secretly. So that no one would catch me. When will be the next time you'll sit beside me? Boy, i really miss you. God, my heart and my strength so many times they fail. But You are the strength of my heart. Heal my broken soul.

The beat of my heart.

I've got nothing to do now. Just feel that my heart is spinning and my heart is sinking. Don't know what to do now cause i don't know where to start. I guess i have to do what i don't want to. But each time that i do, i would turn back. But i guess i have to this time. But where do i start? Sigh! (I really miss you.) I think. I don't even know if i would ever love again.

Rest.

Have been staying at home the whole day. So long never stay at home for one whole day already. Managed to get some rest and do my own things. Larry just messaged me to ask me out for movie. I've not been replying his messages since that time when he crossed the line as my friend. I wonder when he'll stop messaging me to ask me out for movie. It's not that i don't want but i guesswhen it's only him and me, too "dangerous". Still have a lot of things to sort out in my own personal life. Well, it's almost done. Holidays are going to end soon. So fast! I haven't started to revise my work yet. Oh man! Better start doing my homework already. I'm so hungry now. waiting for my dinner to come home.

Burned

Feeling SUPER burn now. Face very very red. Especially my nose. *sobs* Don't dare to touch my face cause it'll hurt. Went Hong Kong cafe today for dinner. It was really fun. Beat He Xing like crazy. Haha. He was really funny! Lol. So, i just reached home. Took cab back with Sis Jer Blinn and Jasmine. I'm going to go Jasmine's house tomorrow to study then maybe go swimming with Jasmine. Will be meeting Yufen for dinner tomorrow too!! What a fruitful day it'll be. Then.. What am i going to do at night? Go Seng Kang with Jasmine if she needs me to accompany her. Yea! Can't wait for the weekends to come! I really love to be busy. Especially talking and fellowshipping with the members. But i'm really burdened for the CG. Today Suzy asked me my CG how, why like that. My heart felt really heavy. I want to do what i can to help the CG. (God, we need a breakthrough in our personal lives, growth and finances!!)

Beach Day

When Sentosa today. Didn't take as much photos as we usually would. I got a big cut on my leg. Like my leg is not filled with enough scars already. But it was great to be out with the members. They add a lot of joy to my life. If i were to type out every detail about the whole event, it'll be too long. And i cannot express them. Had a supernatural dream last night. Will be praying about it. I don't want to miss what God wants to speak to me about through that dream. "Holy Spirit, Love." Wow.. Powerful words. (Thank You God for the dream.)

Tired..

Yawns!! I'm so tired. Just reached home. When to church office to meet Charmaine. Then went to walk around and slack at Esplanade and Marina Square. Then... I went to meet Yufen at her house that area. And now, i'm super tired already. Have been sleeping very late the past few days, weeks actually. Tomorrow going Sentosa. I don't feel like going actually. No money.But want to go also. At least i won't be stuck to my phone the whole time time like when i'm at home. See how.

I Need You..

It's such a tiring day for me today. Slept only at 3 plus in the morning at Jasmine's house. Woke up at 8am to go home to change then meet Jasmine again to buy things. Spent the whole night and day doing Suzy's card. Finally, we've given it to her!! (Happy birthday, Suzy!) Haven't been feeling too good the whole day. As in emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Had thought of backsliding. Felt totally drained out already. So i messaged Derence and asked him if i should stay away from church for some time.But after reading what he replied, I feel so proud to have him in my life. He gave me encouragement and support that Weizhi never gave me. (Derence, thank you!! Love you lots! Muackies!) Feel kind of better now though. But i know that i have to overcome these thoughts over and over again. Must renew my mind everyday,

Long long suffering..

Slept at 3 plus in the morning. as usual, i couldn't sleep again. Derence called me to chat with me until i felt sleepy. (Thank you!!!) Didn't expect that. It was great to be able to hear someone's voice.Though i only got to know him for about a month, it feels like i've known him for very long. Honestly, I don't feel too good. Feel kind of horrible actually. Feel like drinking again at fisherman with Jinlian and the rest. Should have gone when she called me on Tuesday night. But at that time i just reached home. Tonight, she asked me whether want to go MOS with them. Looks like i can't make it again cause got to go to Jasmine's house. Jasmine just asked me to go earlier cause Weiqiang reaching earlier. Like for what?! Waste time? Forget it. Anyway, i'm good at it. I've spent most of my time wasting it also. Won't make much of a difference. Oh well. Can't wait to get back to school. Then i won't be so free.

Awake.. Still..

I can't sleep.. Don't know why.. Do i have to cry to sleep again tonight? My mind is still spinning. Can't get a hold of myself anymore. Can someone save me? Who would be here? I'm never good with words cause i've learnt to keep things to myself. And now i'm dumb. So when you ask me to share, i don't know how to say. But what's there to say when there's no one here to listen? I'm so tired. Feel like giving up. Each time i walk away, i find myself turning back again. I hate myself for being like that. If only you knew how i've been feeling. Then you wouldn't just be here only now. Cause it's too late.

i wish...

I wish i could love you the way i want. But i can't.. I feel really pressurised now. I wish i could show my affection. But i can't. Although i long for your embrace. I wish i could live in my dream cause there's only me and you. Would you come and take me away. I would only go if you come with me. But... Will you go all the way with me?? Cos i cannot afford to get my heart broken again..

Evening with Rach!

Went out with Rach today. Haha.Went to shop awhile then went Esplanade to study. Couldn't sleep last night. But i managed to fall asleep at 3am plus. I had to cry to sleep. There was just too many things weighing on my mind and i can't really handle. I wish that i don't have t face all these now. But.. Sigh.. Forget it. I'll have to face it anyway. Don't know how i feel also. Not sure if i like "him". Guess it's only a crush. I may get over it soon. Maybe. I don't really know what i want. But sometimes, i cannot have what i want. I'm just drained out emotionally and mentally.. And i guess spiritually as well. (Save me. someone.) Now, when i look around, i don't see anyone. I feel.. Doesn't matter.. It doesn't matter..

Lost.

I learned a lesson in my life. But I learned it the hard way. I don't know why I used to fall in love with the wrong kind. Then I suffer so much pain. But I only had myself to blame. I feel so lost right now, I'm also not sure what's on my mind and what's in my heart. Just too afraid to love again. It's not that i don't want to.. Just that.. Each time i give my heart, it returns broken. It takes me a lot of time to fix it. But scars are still left behind. And.. I don't know if i should try again.

Night Out With Derence

I had an evening out with Derence. Reached home not too long ago. He sent me back. In my heart i was wishing that somehow Weizhi could be the one then. But it will never happen again. It brought me back to the time Weizhi and i first went out. But then, i just took him as a friend and nothing more cause he didn't say anything about how he felt. But now, Derence and i.. I really don't know. I'm too afraid to feel for him the way he feels for me. I just don't want to be hurt again. It hurts cause Weizhi used to say the things Derence now say. Like he'll wait and all. And i refuse to be convinced. I don't want to be hurt the same way again. I want to hear your voice when you call. But i dare not answer cause i don't know what you say when you're there. I can't say the words i long to cause i don't want to hurt you at the end. I'm not ready.

Upside Down

I'm not sure what to say. Woke up 12 plus then went back to sleep until 5pm. But something cheered me up. Lucas SMSed me!! Haha. So happy! Haha. Don't know if i still like him. Don't even know if it's like or inaffectuation. But i think i rather not like anyone now. Now that i'm not straight cos i am! Just that i dont' really want to... Want a guy so much now. Not the right time. But yet on the other hand, there's just an emptiness in my heart. Jesus, fill that space. Tomorrow going out with Derence. Very excited. Haha. Well.. I guess..

What a wonderful world..

Took some photos the past few days. not alot cause the rest not so nice and not in my HP. So.. Yup. Met Belinda Lee outseide the conference rooms. So decided to take a photo with her. She's really pretty and nice. Great star!! I'm really tired after the 4 days of conference. But i feel good in my spirit too! Just that i need to recharge my physical body. Need to sleep more for the next few days to catch up on my sleep. Haha. Going to meet Rach tomorrow to go walk walk and to eat my favourite Tang Yuan!! Finally can get to eat! Yay! And i'll be going out with Derence on Tuesday. At last i will be able to watch Spiderman 3. Haha. Thanks for not minding watching again with me! Haha. Haven't watched yet. Hee! Can't wait for Tuesday. :)

Recharged spiritually, tired physically.

It's such a LONG day. I'm so tired now in my body. Took a cab down today. So expensive. Oh well.. Nevermind. :) I almost fell asleep during the morning session cause i was so sleepy.. Guess not enough sleep. Wonder if tonight i'll be able to sleep early. Tomorrow got to wake up early to go buy the materials for Danny's card.. I wish i can say that i don't want to go. But i guess i wanna serve him also. So, i'll be meeting Yu Fen to do. Today, when Pastor spoke about visons and dreams, all i could see myself doing is singing in front of thousands of people. I want to make a change in the Pop Culture. I want to build a roof over every children's head and restore their medical needs. But somehow, i don't know why i don't see myself preaching in front of 20 people. But i desire to be a CGL. But... Somehow i still don't see that. I've been visualising myself being a singer for years and i'll do that for hours a day. But should i call my IC and ask if i can serve? I really don't have that courage to face her.

He confessed his love

Oh mann.. Derence just told me he like me. And he also know who i like also. But now like very weird. But i guess i'm happy. Haha. Now i miss him.. Oops.. CONTROL...!!