miseRy

Woke up today and i realised that my parents were scolding me. Even before i could get up, they're already scolding me? What in the world is their promblem? Gosh! Went out to staudy for awhile. If i continue staying at home, i guess i'll probably be dead by now. Came back in the evening. Parents then came home, they were like, "you're at home?" Like duhh!! They never even give me allowance and i had to use the money that i'm saving to see a doctor. Lunch was also on someone else. So, they didn't get me dinner while they got the little emperor Long John. So didn't speak to any of them for the rest of the night. And i don't want to. They could even forget that i exist. Oh well, that's not unusual. I really don't know what to do now. I know that i've been avoiding calls from certain people. But it's not that i want to. It's just because i don't know how to express how i feel. I'm just feeling very confused and stressed. Not over my studies, but over my life. I really wish i could find the words to say but i can't.. What am i suppose to do now?? My life's a complete mess..

moRe

Racial haRmony

Today's Racial Harmony. Obviously we took more photos than this. Well, this is all i have with me. Will upload them when i recieve them. Can't believe that i actually stayed for Science remedial. I transfer myself to Derence's class. So, i was with him the whole time. Well, it wasn't too bad. At least i wasn't that bored. Other than all this in school, i cam back home and fell flat on my bed and slept till 6.20pm. Just had my dinner. Feel like sleeping again though.. Haha. Alright, i'll update again maybe later when i've got more thngs to say.

oh well..

School ended pretty fast today. Don't know why also. Perhaps cause we didn't do heavy things. Just had a Maths test, did some reading, copy things and most of the time was spent outside the class. Went to the toilet to take some photos. Suppose to meet Ms Tan after school but in the end, she couldn't make it. Oh well. Tomorrow's going to be a longer day. Racial Harmony Day. Have to wear costumes again. Don't feel like wearing actually. But it's alright. After school, as usual, there's Science remedial. After that, going to meet Rach. Well, better than doing nothing or wasting my time on other things. But i've still got a lot of things weighing on my mind.

thinking of..

Thinking of a few things now -the NIKE bag i saw yesterday -studies -my life -SUN -getting more rest! Not sure of what to do now. It's going to be a long day in school tomorrow. And again, another week is going to be over. I've got only 89 days to the O levels! I'm on the verge of giving up already. Can't get anything in my head. Just so tired...

hopeless

It's my dad's birthday. Everything was going alright until... My mum came home. Started yelling as if it's her birthday. As usual, i will never take a step out of the room if she starts screaming and banging. Not long, she came into the room and again scolded me for my brother's mistake. I've become very afraid of staying at this house. I won't be surprise if i flung my exams this year and become insaint because of her. I've been driven close to it already. I've got nothing to say cause sometimes there's no point in saying it anyway. Just feel like running away and isolate myself. Extremely tired. Come back have to face this kind of shit from them. Study also have to study under my block. I mind as well live in the streets. I feel homeless even when i've got something over my head. Doesn't feel right. SIGH. i'll just write till here. Rather not say how i feel now.

tiRed..

I'm so tired now! Such a long day in school. Stayed back till 4 plus to help Jin Lian do her art. Den went home to rest awhile before i meet Derence for dinner. It's just casual dinner. Went to eat KFC at Eastpoint. Met Rach and Peiwen there as well. After that, we went to walk around in Eastpoint. Sat at Starbucks awhile with a tall Ice Mocha, my favourite! After that, we went back to Tampines. Walked a bit here and there then he sent me home. Oh! He bought me a bag of gummies!! The easiest way to my heart..! Haha. But still haven't won over yet. Too bad! Just finish doing my summary. Still got my English essay to do. Oh man!! I'm so tired already. How am i going to finish by tomorrow?!?! Looks like i'm going to get my first BETA tomorrow. But i'll try to extend the dateline. At least i'll be home tomorrow to do and fix the computer.

diffeRent

Today school was really horrible for me. The whole world now thinks that Derence and i are together but the truth is that we're NOT! I was so furious. But there's nothing i can do but to keep a distance from him in school. Cut my hair today. At first it looked okay. But now, so ugly.. So sad!! Don't know how am i going to tie my hair tomorrow to school. I've got a lot of finge and it's kind of short and hard to tie up. I think my whole head is going to be filled with more clips than usual. I suddenly feel the weight of all the clips i have on my small head. School is getting more stressful. Got so much work to do! Today, Ms Lim Soo Heng brought in 1 bunch of BETA forms for our class. Though i've never gotten one, i still don't intend to have any. But how?? I think i'm going to get one tomorrow if i don't complete my essay on 'Lagaan'. It's an Indian movie we watched and we're suppose to do like a review on it. And it has to be at least 1 3/4 pages. Like how am i suppose to do that when my handwriting is so small and she skipped so much?? So irritating! Oh well. That's life.

weiRd woRld

My goodness! What is my world becoming of? Laryy kept asking me out for movie today. Didn't reply him on MSN. Then he SMSed me. Never spoke to him since the other time. Not that i don't want to but i guess i had to draw the line. On top of that, i'm freaked out by this girl who often calls me. Whenever i have a conversation with her, she would ask me whether she can call me cause she misses my voice. I'm like, "okay........" Goodness. This is so weird. Nevermind. Had chest pains again today. Coughed like crazy during the service today. Jun Hui was sitting beside me and he had stomach pain. Both of us were in pain man! Reached home early and slept till 7pm! But i'm still feeling very tired. I hope that my mum will give me some money to go cut my hair tomorrow. Sigh...

Pain.

Not feeling too well again today. Had chest pain since morning. But i still chose to go for CG meeting. During the prayer meeting, it was hurting really badly. And i was coughing like crazy again. It was so so pain. Worship was wonderful. Tears just kept flowing. Irene asked me if i was okay halfway during the prayer meeting. I was sitting directly opposite her. I guess she saw. Then when i stepped out to pray i felt as if i was going to die! Couldn't breathe at all!! Richie and wei Bin ran off straight after the meeting and i had to run after them when my chest was hurting so badly. Manage to catch up with them. Explained to Wei Bin about what Irene said. Went dinner with the both of them near their are before coming home. It wasn't too bad. I'm going to meet Jo later to eat again! Oh man! I'm getting fat.

heaRtache

Went out with Rachel and Juliana today. We went Bugis, as usual. Hmm.. Juli said that Azri is crazy over me which i didn't believe until he SMSed her and when she showed me. I was really shocked cause i didn't expect that and i treat him like a younger brother. Oh well. Don't really bother much. Feel pretty cold to this kind of things now. Told Derence that i don't like him. I guess he was pretty shock. I suppose i had to tell him also. Though i said that i don't like him, but i think dep inside i still do a little. But i'm not too sure either. I just don't want him to regret waiting for me. What's the point. I feel as if i'm not allowed to love a guy now. So i had to force myself not to like Derence. SIGH. Rach, juli and jinlian keep encouraging me to try out with him. But it's not that i don't want but it's i can't cause of.... Nevermind. There's nothing i can do also. In a way, i hope he'll wait..

bRoken.

"All the words you said, i can't get them out of my head. All the moves you made, caused my heart to break. I never thought that you would bring so much pain. I trusted you from that day. You brought hope to my life. With that i thought i could survive. But now i realised you've destroyed my life. Tell me what am i to do. Just to get to you. Now that the sky is still blue, please give me a clue. Before it changes to grey, i quit this game that you play. Before the night is over, would you come and shelter. Before i close my eyes, would you hold me one more time."

Regret..

I don't know why i'm feeling this way. The feeling or running away and leaving everything behind. The feeling of not wanting anything but happiness. In school, i feel as if i'm just wasting everyone's time. Especially my parents. I've let them down big time. Can't even excel in my studies to make them proud of me. Why does all this be me? I really want to leave all this and run away.Perhaps i'm just unable to face it now. I just wish that timw could wait for me. But i still can't catch up with time. I just miss the one who i love. But i can't tell him. Everything seems to be in a mess again all because of me.. Ahhh!! Hate it...!! If only you could be here to see me cry. But there's a boundary i can't cross.

Lil

Rubbish.

I'm so tired!!! Not going for Maths remedial later. Sigh. I guess i'm on the verge on giving up already. Wasted my whole year don't know doing what. Spending time on people. Went through the Chinese paper today. Every question wrong. Thought that i could share but end up feelng worse. I guess that's why i should just shut up and keep everything to myself. No one i know will understand how it feels to fail Chinese all the way. Put in the most effort i have and still get laughed at. I really don't care. But it's the peple whom i thought who would encourage me that pulls me down. I really can't stand it man! I think this will be the most negative blog entry. But i really don't care. My studies are like shit now. Waste my time on other things. And that's what i'm best at. No wonder i get this kind of results. Forget it. I really don't care how i do now. Doesn't matter..

Long time..

It's been a few days since i last wrote in. I can't remember what happened the past few days actually. Very lazy to think. Well, went visitation with Yufen on Wednesday. Thursday i stayed at home, i think. Friday went out with Rach!! When we were in Bugis Street, there's this girl, well, she's quite pretty.. She suddenly smiled and waved at me. I got a SHOCK! I don't even know her. She stood beside me and did that. I just smiled and waved back at her. Why do i attract this kind of people huh?? Haha. Met Ynez at night also. Yesterday was CG then went IKEA to study with Jo. Today, service and then went airport with Jo. Oh well.. Tomorrow got Chinese listening compre. Pretty nervous now. I'm just praying that somehow i'll do well. Don't really know what to say already. Just that i think thisweek will be another busy week. Sigh. When can i really settle down to my studies??? Even Mrs Wong say in class i looked very troubled. Which to a certain extent is true. SIGH

Feelings.

To my limits.

I can't describe how angry i am right now! Mum criticised me again. Worse, she has to say church. Made me even more angry. If i could i'll just shoot her. But i just shut up. If it's not for God, i will say her. Aahhhhhh!!!!!! Cannot take it! Don't even know what i've been going through then still dare to say this kind of things. Aaahhhhhh!!! Really very angry. Say me nevermind, still say the chrurch. Like she very good like that. Forget it. I'll drop her a SMS. Cannot take it. School was good i guess. Nothing much happened. Went luch with Juliana, Rebecca and Jasmine. Not too bad. Come home get scoldinh. I like got no home like that. Can't wait to get out.

sick again.

Oh man.. Why do i keep falling sick these few weeks? Have been coughing the whole day non-stop. Throat very pain and my nose keeps running too. Today during the Maths remedial was feeling super horrible. Nose feeling very uncomfortable still. Managed to walk home properly. I'm so tired! Still can't get over my Chinese Oral. Other than that, i think my emotional life is getting on better than usual. Able to focus on my visions. Don't feel like bringing my handphone to school anymore. I don't want to get distracted by it also. I'm still wondering if i'm following Yufen down to Boon Lay tomorrow to meet Ansel and Wilson. I hope my physical body is able to go. Anyway, if not okay i also want to go see the both of them. I think i better hope i can get through the whole day in school first. Haha!!

Messed it u!

Had my Chinese O levels Oral Examination today. It was a nightmare! Cause i'm the first person. I wasn't so nervous actually. The conversation came out as what i though, environment. Messed it up BIG time. Nevermind, it's over already. Just have to focus on my listening comprehension next week. If not, that's the end of me. I need a miracle! I can't exactly remember what i wanted to say. Oh yes! I remember! Last night, i was really hoping to see SUN's e-mail before my oral today. But when i reached home last night, i didn't recieve. However, God knows the desires of my heart and this morning before i went to school, i checked again and i recieved an email from her!! God really answers prayers. On top of that, it was longer than usual. Make me even happier. :) Miss her lots! Tomorrow it's another long day in school. My bag is so heavy and my shoulders are in pain. Wonder why suddenly my books feel so heavy. More like my files actually. I've got Maths class after school until 4.30pm. But it's for my good. So better to go. Don't want to have any regrets after my exmas. But i seriously need a miracle.

What can i do?

It was a fast day in school. During Art, i went to the art room to look for Jin Lian. Talked about Derence. She said a lot of GOOD things about him and encouraged me to give it a chance with him. But i know that now, i really don't want to be distracted. I don't even know if i still like him. I guess he came at the wrong time. Jin Lian say i choose also never choose correct one and end up with Wei Zhi last time. But i didn't know Wei Zhi was that sort until that night at fisherman when Arnold told me. But it's over anyway. But now, i guess i don't like anyone. For Derence, i won't ask him to wait for me or what. I'm just happy to know him. I'm satisfied having my Jesus in my life.

Emotions.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUFEN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUFEN! Today, it was the day we were suppose to surprise Yufen. But it didn't turn out well. I wanted to cry man! Planned for so many days and today.. SIGH! It's okay. Over already. (To Yufen: Thank you for everything. Life was never the same since youentered my life. Thank you for being such a great friend and leader. I've learnt a lot from you for the past year or so.) Hope that she's happy :) I guess i can start to focus on my studies now. I can't make myself to available. Neglect my studies for the past half year. I'm left with 3 months. Very nervous. Next monday is my Chinese Oral and i'm the first person. No words can express how nervous i am right now! Oh well. IT'll be good! Have been able to focus on my vision to be a CGL by 19. Going to work towards my vision. I don't want to get distracted anymore. Especially in the area that i can be vulnerable to. Like.. Liking someone. I must not allow such things to hinder me already! Got to breakthrough. And i will. Now craving for Tang Yuan and the peanut soup.. Yummy! Wonder when will i be able to eat that again. Okay. I've got to go reply someone's letter now. Thank God tomorrow's not going to be so tiring. But need to stay in school until very late. But there's CG meeting tomorrow. Still thinking whether to go down in school uniform or go home and change. But it's at Clementi. Now need to step out of my comfort zone. Travel to the west. Haha.

Tired!!

Impacted!

Was really impacted by Cell Group meeting last week, We will be combined with W415 and W392 from now. Well, new changes, new experineces. It was a fantastic time in the presence of God. Made many decisions. And one of which is to focus on my vision to become a CGL by 19. I want to start working towards it. Yesterday, we went to play basketball. Sat down and chatted with Hui Wen and Shannen. Learnt a lot from the both of them. Also got to know them better. At night, went to fisherman to drink. I almost fell into the sea after standing up on the breakwaters. Was having a chat with Arnold. Then i think the drink was starting to kick. So i couldn't walk properly. BUT i'm okay! :) Reached home at 2 plus in the morning. So, stayed at home the whole day. Got school tomorrow and i need to sleep soon. Yawn!