feeLing horribLe.

Don't know what to say now except to feel horrible. I'm feeling so tired! Not sure why.

Got back my Prelims result already. Passed only Chinese and English. Well, i guess i'm really happy that i passed my Chinese. Afterall, it's a miracle that i passed. For the rest, pretty disappointed. Today, felt completely stressed after getting back my results. So much to catch up yet so little time. And i'm already feeling so tired. Haven't spoken a word since i reached home. In fact, i'm starving now. I've really got no mood to do anything but sleep. My whole body seem to be aching. Sometimes i guess it's better for me to keep quiet. At least i won't get scolded for nothing. Feel like running out of the house again. Just need some air to breathe. Feel like screaming and eating lots of ice cream!! hhaa.. So many thoughts going through my mind. Not sure if i'll type it all down. i guess i won't cause i'm stopping here.

jUst memorIes..

What a long day it has been..! But nevertheless, it was a fruitful day. Had Science Lab lessons the whole day today in school. After school, i came back to take a rest before studying again. After esting, i went to KFC to study on my own. Can you believe that! It was really fruitful. Met a few people i know there. Saw Danny, Shi Li and WeiBin as. I studied there for 2 hours as it was almost very crowed. Bought 2 packets of POCKEY to snack later when i study again.

Played ball yesaterday and i hurt my toe!!! So pain! Keeps bleeding. Well, good and bad. Bad is that it hurts really bad and whenever i get this kind of injury, i tend to hurt it more like by kicking something. Not on purpose of course. Good is that i can get to wear slipper to school! Good right? Haha. Looks like i'll be wearing slippers for a long time.

Was impacted by yesterday's word, building an altar in our lives and the house of God. I want to be a living sacrifse and not a dead one. I love the house of God! And yesterday, i was pretty much very happy. Well, Yufen will know why. Haha!! :)

diffeRent w/o U

Took that Picture in Parkway Parade Watsons. We were playing with the spectacles there and decided to take a photo. You like it? Haha. Had a great time with everyone today. Although now i'm feeling really tired. But it was really fun.

Have been reaching home late the past few days. Went visitation with Jasmine on Thursday night. We went for dinner first at Simei. After that, we did something that i never thought i would do. The both of us walked from Simei all the way to Changi Prison. It was a LONG LONG walk. Wanted to visit Chermaine but she wasn't at home. So in the end, we asked Cherly out. Haha. We sat at the bus stop in front of her condo and chatted for awhile before going back home. I had to persuate Jasmine to taking a bus home instead of walking home from there. My legs were breaking. So, in conclusion, we decided to save money to get ourselves a bicycle. So that when we want to do visitations, we can save money on transport, cross out the thought of walking and cycle instead. It's like doing night cycling! So fun! Yesterday had CG at Samuel's house. It was good. Well, i shan't add my revelation her. It's too personal. And the happiest thing about today is that, i just received an e-mail from SUN...!! Nothing else matters when she e-mails me. It feels as if all my troubles are gone. Miss her SO SO SO much! She's my inspiration and my motivation in everything i do.

Tomorrow will be another long day. Will be playing Basketball. I'm really excited. Very long never play already. But for now, i need a good night's rest!

mY heaRt huRts

He has no idea how much my heart hurts now. Telling him those words already broke my heart. And just.. Was over the phone with him. Didn't end well. My heart felt as if it was ripped apart. He sounded as if he has gotten over it. But i haven't.. I guess matters of the heart matters a lot to me and i do take a long time to get over it. He never left my mind eventhough i say i'm okay. If only he knew how i feel. SIGH. But there's nothing that i can do to change things now. Since he has already let go and i also have then.. Guess getting over it is the best.

Feeling super tired. Slept during the 2 papers today. Have been having insonmia for the past fews weeks and it seems like it's getting worse. Sleep very late in the night, wake up early for school and feel totally exhuasted when i get to school. I guess there's just too many thngs on my mind and can't get my mind to rest also. I'm drained already. My chest pains are coming back again. Today during the first paper i was in pain. Could barely breathe.Signs of ageing? Anyway, it was better than taking those medicines the other time. It made my stomach even weaker than it is.

Tomorrow is a rest day for me. No school! But somehow i wish there was. At least i can get to have a glimpse of him. Though my heart is crying in silence,there seems no turning back to my decision. Oh.. where was i. Oh yes, tomorrow.. I'll be going out in the evening. Meeting Jasmine for dinner. After that we'll be dropping by at Cheryl's house. Exciting! Can't wait to get out of the house, really. At least i can get my mind of things and not be so stressed.

"If i could turn back time, i will make you mine. Please stay by my side, till the end of time. If you see me cry, will you hold me tight? Don't walk away, cause my heart's already in pain."

aRound the coRneR of youR eye

After such a long day, i'm really tired. Left school only at around 4.30pm. Was in Art Room helping Trif with her work. Did 1 whole picture for her. Though it was really tiring, it's worth it as long t helps her complete. I feel a sense of satisfaction also. My friendship with her has also become stronger as we chatted all the way. Had Science practical today. Wasn't too bad. Was pretty fun actually. Though i already know that my answer is wrong, but i'm really happy that my experiment had a 'pop' sound. It's Hydrogen.. First time doing the experiment. I never dared on the bunsen burner but today i did it! Haha. Fun fun!

Was feeling really tired when i woke up this morning. Couldn't sleep yesterday. Anyway, i'm pretty much used to it cause during exam periods, i usually have difficulties sleeping. So, doesn't matter. But i can't wait to catch up on my sleep after exams! :) Feeling really happy that tomorrow's the last day of prelims.. It has be such a long long period of exams. Oh!! Ms Tan talked to me today. She commented on my Social Studies paper. She said that i did very well for my SBQ and that i improved a lot and i wrote very well. But my SEQ must work more. Wow! After being in her form class for 3 years, this is the first time she praise my work. This is really a great encouragement especially when it comes from Ms Tan. I'm also glad my work is improving.

it hurts to let YOU go.

A long weekend struggling witht the thought of whether to let him know how i feel. Everytime my HP rings, and it's him, i don't know what to say. But not long ago, i told him that i can't be with him. Words that i hoped that i wouldn't have to say had to be told. It was really hard. My heart hurts. But somehow, i guess it's better that he know. I don't want to continue hurting him further. I feel bad enough making him waste his time. For the first time, i see how much he typed on MSN. Didn't know what to say. I really want him to be happy. Though i wish that i could add some joy into his life, but i'm sure he'll find someone that will be his sorce of joy. "You're one of the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Thank you for everything." Now not really in the good mood. Earlier in the evening ran out of the house because something happened. Felt extremely hurt. But it doesn't matter. I get over it soon anyway.Now still feeling pretty low though. Especially after telling him all that after what happened at home. Not really a very good evening. [God, heal my broken heart.] 2 more days of Prelims. Tomorrow, i've got practical exam. I pray that i'll be able to concentrate and not be distracted about what happened today. Got to stay focus!Can sleep a bit more tomorrow cause i need to report of school at only 9am. Can rest more. YEAH!

enOugh.. pls..

My past few enteries are very short. Didn't know what to enter. I guess my mind was pretty much blocked and perhaps i also disn't feel like blogging. But well, i guess today i can think of more things to blog about.

Slept late and woke up early. Was kind of half dead when i woke up. The weather was awesome for long sleeps. But i couldn't enjoy that today. But it's ok cause i attended something better- the tangilble presence of God. What can compare to having an encounter with God?! Service felt very long but it was a GREAT service. After service when to Bedok to surprise Andrew as it's his birthday. Bump into WeiZhi in MacDonald's. Yup. We played with the cake that we bought. Everyone was smashing cake on each other. Haven't done that for a long long time. It's only with E308 where such things always happen. Can be scary. But it just brings so much joy to be with them. Yesterday was 'So you think you can sing?'. Pastor Zhuang preached about dreams and areas which can rob us from our dreams and visons. One of which is 'Friends'. I realised that i haven't been choosing the right friends for the past few years. Instead of being with friends that will encourage me to work towards my dreams, i have been among people who has put me down and blind my imagination of what i can do for God. And yesterday, i decided that enough is enough. No more of such things. I want to do more for God. Yes, fulfil the cultural mandate but like what Pastor Derek preached today, i should be influencing people and not the other way around. This means more commitment. But i don't ever want to be afraid of commiting my time, finances and so on.

Well, 3 more days of Prelims. And then Thursday and Friday i need not go to school. Going to catch up on my sleep and i can spend time in my secret place with God. I just can't wait for this week to be over. But that would mean 1 week closer to O levels. I am ready to work hard.

oVeR yOu.

Had a pretty good rest when i reached home today after my Physics paper. But i'm still feeling very tired. Oh well.

Anyway, i'm really happy. My HP bill is only $38.11..!! So proud of myself. Breakthrough man! Never had my bill so low before.

don't know you anymoRe.

Didn't have school today! Woke up at 12nn. I actually wanted to wake up later. But if i sleep more, i guess i wouldn't be able to wake up at all. Now, i totally exhuasted after studying. Well, i've got to push myself even more already. Can't go on like that. Yeah.

"I wonder to myself who you are now. Cause you seem to be someone else. Things are changing. And i don't know how to tell you how i feel. You're scaring me."

no moRe the same love foR yoU

I've been feeling extremely tired when i return from school the past few days. Not sure exactly why. I guess it mainly because i've been sleeping very late in the night. It's not that i want to sleep very late. But i just can't help it cause it's like already a habit. However, lately i've been struggling to even fall asleep. Last night i laid at my bed at around 12mn. I tosed and turned, go to the washroom several time but still, i'm unable to sleep. And i finally managed to fall asleep at 2 plus. I thought i would have a deep sleep but my brain was still functioning so i had a dream. Well, the dream was awesome. Dreamt of SUN. The moment i woke up, i felt that i was missing her very much. I do. Haha. Can't wait for the next time she returns :) Anyway, i woke up at 6am when usually i'll wake up at 7.10am on Wednesdays. Had to get up early to continue studying my Chemistry. In the end, face the paper and my mind went "BLANK!". I suppose the Chinese paper wasn't so bad. For the first time, i wrote so much. Just praying that i didn't write out of point. Well, it wasn't as bad as i thought i would be. I'm so glad that tomorrow's an off day for me. No paper = No school! I've really got to make full use of tomorrow to study. Cannot waste another day. And of course i want to rest as well.

Was praying last night. Prayed for my family. The moment i started praying for them, tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Something that i've not exactly experienced before. As usual, i did my QT in the toilet. Though i really don't like doing it there, but it's has already been like my hiding place. Everytime i pray and all, i do feel the presence of God and i love that toilet! HAHA!

diffeRent.

Isa 40:29 "He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases them." I've been meditating on this verse to get me through my O levels. Prelims has already started and so far the papers are pretty tough. I can't imagine howhard the real thing is going to be. But i want to do my best. Had Social Studies paper today. Didn't manage to finish because i spent way too much time on my Source Base. Really need to practise more after the Prelims.Tomorrow will be having Chemistry and Chinese. I guess i'll need to wake up early tomorrow to continue studying cause i won't be able to finish studying everything by tonight, definitly! HeXing sent me a Friendster message today. Was really enocuraged by what he said. Great fellow! Ha!

Was feeling extremly tired after i got back from school. Don't know why. I fell flat on my bed and slept all the way till 4pm. After that, i went to me Jo to have dinner. Ate KFC. After that, i bought another Double Cheeseburgar cause i still felt hungry. And time really flies. I better go study for awhile before i watch my Chinese show! Of course i will continue after that.

Feeling so much better spiritually, emotionally and mentally now. I've already cut off areas who has been me to feel very low. Decided not to get close to them again. Well, not saying that i don't care but more like not too close. Got to start mixing with the right people in school. But, things are getting better already. It all comes down to one thing- circumtances will not change but my mindset and everything can. Circumstances can seem overwhelming. But that is went i overcome it, God is glorified and i get stronger.

back into the light

First and foremost, i just want to take this chance to thank YUFEN!!! Thank you for talking to me since Saturday. Appreciate it! Love ya, babe! :)

I've been mediating on Duet 31:6 ever since Yufen encouraged me to be of good cheer. I felt God speaking to me to turn to this verse and i am truely encouraged. The Word of God brings lots of comfort. Last week, i experience how much Fear can grip my heart and cause me to be blinded from my dreams and desires. I realised how much i've drifted away from God. It's time to set my priorities right again. And it's also time to cut off sorces of distractions. I guess it's more of people who has made me someone i shouldn't be or pulls me down. As i reflected on my life, i got a shock by how much i've change. Not to the better actually. I don't want anyone to affect my walk with God and those who cause me to compromise in my character.

The desires of writing songs and poems for people, the longing for more inspiration from the Holy Spirit is starting to arise in me again. I love this feeling. This is my goal for each day and that is to SMS someone a poem or something that will make them happy!

Today was really pretty much a long day. Had 3 papers. After English paper 2, i was feeling so tired and drained out already. Maths paper was tough. I wanted to jump into the pond. Didn't manage to finish the paper. Left one more question. It okay. At least i get to experience how Os will be. I've got to work really hard from now. Just want to thank God for strength. Was on the phone with Yufen until 2plus in the morning then i slept. God multiplied my sleep! Although i was feeling sleeping, but it's when i'm weak, He is strong. So, i didn't fall asleep even when i finished doing my papers. I want to increase my dependence on God more than ever before!

what am I to do?

Feeling so tired now. Don't really know why actually. I guess i'm just mentally drained out. Prelims starts tomorrow. Very nervous yet can't do anything. 3 papers tomorrow. Going to be really tired!! Can't wait for the week to be over.

Given Up

I've GIVEN UP ! !

Fastest way out of my heart.

EXIT

cRied.

My eyes are kind of swollen now. Was crying the whole night. I'm not exactly sure why. But my heart was in pain. So many thing went through my mind. Studies, family, "him"... And i've not come to a conclusion for everything. I guess i'm pretty much tired of everything already. Especially studies. Sigh. I also don't know what am i suppose to do now. Had bad dream last night as well. But i can't really remember now though it was just about an hour ago that i woke up. It had something to do with Netball, studies, family... Haha. Although it may sound okay, it was really a bad dream. But i dreamt of a lot of people i miss. Especially my team-mates. It's so different without them now. If only i could turn back time for awhile. Oh well. Those has become memories for me. Having a headache now. Going to leave house soon for school. I've Chinese remedial. After that i'll most probably stay in school for awhile to do my work. Hopefully i will. If not i guess i'll be coming home to rest.

Just let me sleep. Cause in my dreams i see you smiling at me. In my dreams i'm with you.

the LOVE of my life.

"Thank you for coming to my house today with porridge. I can't find the words to express how happy i am to have you in my life. How i wish i knew you earlier. You've brought so much joy into my life since. Although i can't give you the answer now. But i hope you'll understand whatever the answer may be. It's hard to resist the temptation to show you that i love you when you're beside me. Each time when i look into your eyes, it seems like nothing else matters. But it hurts my heart cause i have to push my love for you aside because it isn't right for me to do that."

she found out.

Mum found out about my Chinese results already. She said that my family would be the one who will be there for me when things are tough for me. But when she heard that i failed, she was the first one to turn her back against me and walked away. My heart broke the moment she turned away. Tears streamed down my eyes as i hope so much for her support. But.. Today was pretty much a long day. Had English mock test. I'm so tired now. Don't really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Will stop here for today.

be with YOU.

It's been such a long time since i last wrote an entry. It's finally the September holidays. But it doesn't feel like it cause i need to go sch for 3 days out of 5! And it's not just a few hours but almost the whole day because of mock test and remedials. I'm so tired!! Went out with Derence today. Bumped into JinLian and YongLe. Super 'paiseh'! We went PastaMania to have dinner then we went to catch a movie. Wanted to watch Hairspray at first. But in the end, we watched a scary show, 1408. Very good movie. Derence screamed. Now when i think about it, i can't help but to laugh. (Hahaha!!) And the way he was sitting in the cinema was like.. Funny man!! Before the show started he was still scaring me and all. But during the movie, he was the one who was screaming. He wore the shirt i got him today. Looked good!! Oh well. It's past midnight now. Getting tired already. Though i slept practically the whole day, i still feel very tired Tomorrow i've got to go back to school from 1pm to 5pm. So can't stay up too late. Yesterday was the auditions for 'So you think you can sing?'. It was like my 1 minute of shame. I was so nervous. Shooked like crazy until i couldn't sing. But nevermind. My first time singing in front of so many people. I hope that my desire to be a singer can still come true. It seems so far away. But i can still remeber what pastor said to the SOT graduates yesterday. That after having a dream, there's a big step to take. And he shared on the changes we can take. From Myself --> Family --> Town --> Nation --> World. And i want to start by changing myself. :)