I Trust In You.

I woke up at 5am this morning. Well, reason being my air-con broke down and someone offed the fan. So i was boiling hot. And from then on, i couldn't get back to sleep. Thus, i waited for my mum and brother to leave the house so that i could do my quiet time.

I can't begin to express how i feel now. I feel as if i've cried my eyes out. Not in a bad way. In fact, in a great way. Jesus was in my room and still is now. Even as i'm typing this, i'm still in tears. And i don't ever want to forget this moment.. I just can't find the words to display my emotions. God has been really good. Although i often not understand why things are happening the way it has, He has always been here. It's through all these times where i experience His love, strength and presence even greater. And as i was worshipping just now, this verse spoke to me. Pslam 73:25-26 "Whom have i in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that i desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Nothing is impossible for You, You hold my world in Your hands.

"Jesus, You're more than enough for me. You're all i need."

Batman With Gerry!

Went to watch 'The Dark Knight' with GERRY..! A show not to be missed. Although it was pretty long.. And the advertisements were so so long. When the show started, silence just filled the entire cinema. It was so quiet, so weird. Sat until backside numbed. There were a couple of moments when my heart jumped. We were sitting directly under the huge speakers. And when they spoke too loudly or the sound effects were too sudden, i felt as if my heart leaped out of my body.



To Gerry: Thank you for the night.. And also, the magazine!!! It means a lot to me. Thank you so so much!

Your Words Give Me Strength.

I was just reading my bible and i came to this verse and it spoke to my heart. Psalm 31:24 "Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD." The verse is still attached to my heart. There were many times along this race that i seriously wanted to give up because of various reasons. But the word that Yufen always tell me never fails to renew my thinking is always be of good courage. I want to be stronger in the area of my thoughts and emotions. Although they are so much better than i was before, still i want to breakthrough in this area everyday and not let my emotions control me for even a moment. Cause i can choose how i feel during each situation.

Yesterday was simply amazing.. Service was awesome, prayer meeting was refreshing. And God really knows the desires of my heart. Haha. I guess only Joanne and Yufen will know why, cause, i obviously told them. Haha. I had a heart-racing moment. Thank You, Jesus!!!

To Jansen: (If you ever read this) I just want to tell you that i am SO SO SO SO proud of you!! Your courage to come for cell group meeting last week really touched me. I believe that even as you continue to be hungry(spiritually) you will receive your breakthrough. Soon, you'll be able to come for cell group meetings and service more freely. All the way!!

That was rather random but that was on my mind at that point in time so i just typed in. Anyway, last week i told myself that i want to sleep early and wake up early. Although it wasn't within the timings i mentioned, but i made improvements. You can't expect me to change immediately, can you? Well, i made great improvements. I wake up before 11am every morning.. Good, right? I no longer wake up at 2pm and sleep at 4am! I want to slowly develop good sleeping habits- sleep early, wake up early.

It's really been such a long time since i put one my sports shoes and go for a run or gym. Now, i don't any sports shoes to wear. I used to have like 5-6 pairs but i have no idea where they went to.. I'm trying to persuade my mum to get me one so as to motivate me to put them on and exercise. I've put on a rather huge amount of fats on my body and i can't get rid of them without a pair of sports shoes. So, if God is speaking to you to get me a pair, please please do not harden your heart. Your reward is in Heaven.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to spend some time revising my work. I pray that i won't feel sleepy when i start.. If not... Another will be wasted.

Alritey, that's all for tonight. Loves!

Different Colours Of Emotions

Once again, here are pictures that paint my emotions. Have a lot of feelings mixed up inside of me. But, well, i guess i'll just focus on the positive ones.

You want to know who i'm in love with?

Come closer.

Closer..

JESUS!

Who were you thinking? Were you expecting me to tell you? Too bad. Haha. If i tell, i would have to kill you. Haha. I shall not be so mean. But, i still won't tell you.

Many things happened the past week. Well, both good and bad. Still, i really want to breakthrough. It's really hard. And i don't want to live in this cycle anymore.. I really need to discipline myself. That is like the area i'm worst at. I'm just reminded by what sis Yi Lun shared during the session at Camp X. Just like when you take a ride on the rollercoaster. It goes up, down, sideways and upside down. But when you come to the end of the ride, it's still the starting point. Personally, i've been on the ride. And i want to get off. It makes me really sick. Holy Spirit, help me!!

Pictures Worth A Thousand Words.

I found some pictures that can help me express some of the emotions in me. Cause i guess i can't find the words to do so.

Well, i guess now i'm just pretty lost on what to do.. Not sure exactly what to do.

Felt really discouraged today when i gave my updates. I didn't dare to send my updates at all.. When i looked at it, i just felt really helpless.. I suppose there's a problem in my spiritual life. In the beginning of this year, my goal was to be more spiritual. But when i look at myself, i'm not sure if i made any progress. It just breaks my heart when i see the people in my care like this.

Somebody help me please! God, i need a miracle!!

When I Said Goodbye

I was just trying to get to sleep. But there were too many things on my mind. And this song just crossed my mind.

"When I Said Goodbye"

I said too much, went way too far

It's only now, now we're apart

That I can see I was wrong

And you're where I belong

So please don't make me cry

I know you don't believe it

But I really didn't mean it

When I said goodbye

(When I said goodbye)

I was a fool, now I'm alone

Would you have stayed

Stayed if you had known

That every thought is of you

Hurt is all I can do

Without you in my life

I know you don't believe it

But I really didn't mean it

When I said goodbye

I can't bear to watch you fly

I need you in my life

Don't say goodbye

Let's give love another try

It used to be that you and me

Was all we needed to know

I can't believe you're leaving

And I can't live my life alone

We've changed so much

And still love remains

Let's work it out

There's no need to turn the page

You're love is everything

Don't let go, we can win

If we would only try

I know you don't believe it

But I really didn't mean it

When I said goodbye

(Goodbye)

(When I said goodbye)

That's why I've also changed the song on my blog. I suppose this song some what express what I'm feeling now. More or less. Oh well.. Just feel kind of lost now. The feeling of not being sure what the meaning of my life is troubling me. Not sure where else i can pour my feelings. Sometimes i wonder if i can really express everything here. So what if i do? Haha.. Just don't seem to have any social life.. Apparently, i guess it's through such times that i know who really do care or even are my friends. And i suppose, things seemed to be appearing the other way around. The people who i thought would come to my mind first didn't. And the ones who i don't expect, comes to my mind. Haha. It's funny! Really.. I think i odd to "reorganize" my priorities.. Shouldn't keep pouring so much of my time, finances and energy. But like that, also not right.. Sigh. So confused. I feel like going for a run now.. If only the beach was near my house.. I seem to be able to pour out all my tears there and come back feeling much better..

Well, I'm going to go try sleeping again. Just find it really hard to to sleep at this timing..!

Spinning Around.

Had a hard time falling asleep last night. Had a fever and an unbearable migraine since the afternoon. Did some stuff that would make me tired but it didn't work. My migraine got worse at about 2am.. It was so pain that i cried. I eventually fell asleep. Woke up this morning and the migraine was still here. Had to force myself out of bed. And then left for Riverwalk When i reached there, i realised everyone knew i wasn't feeling well already. Anyway, was suppose to do the lessons with Pauline but Audrey asked another girl to change with me. So in the end, i did both lessons with Audrey. The kids were as usual, very adorable and hyperactive.

Before the first lesson, Audrey and i were chatting and she shared with me some things that cause pimples, weight gain and ageing. One of the causes is sleeping late into the night. Should sleep before 1am so that our body's metabolism can function well. Another thing she share with me is that to always have breakfast between 7am-8am. If possible, a heavy breakfast. By doing this, you will not be hungry easily and then eat to much during the rest of the day. In a way, this can help you slim down. Went i heard this, i was like... "I'm going to eat breakfast everyday now!!" By sleeping early and having breakfast, this can help you look younger and prevent pimples so you'll have good complexion. After hearing all these, i told myself that i'm going to start sleeping early and wake up early too.. I think it's going to be really hard for me, but i'll try.

Anyway, had a few funny encounters during the classes today. For the first class, Audrey was teaching about forgiving others and giving them another chance to turn a new leaf. She then gave an example about us telling lies to our parents. Audrey said, "will you want your Mummy and Daddy to forgive you if you tell lies?" The class shouted, "yes!!" Except for one boy, "no!!" Audrey then asked him why. He replied, "my Mummy and Daddy won't forgive me one!!" Audrey said, "don't bluff.." The boy again, said, " really, my Mummy and Daddy won't forgive me.." We could tell from his expression that he was really heart-broken. But we had no choice but to carry on with the lesson. After the lesson was over, Audrey was like, "oops.. oh no.." At first i though he was just trying to disrupt the class. But it turned out to be so sad for him. During the lesson, he was really very active. But after that point, he didn't say a word. The second lesson, a boy was scolded by his teacher for being rude to Audrey. The teacher was really fierce! The kids are so so loud!! They get so excited easily.

Feeling kind of tired now already. Didn't eat a lot today as well. I'm addicted to Mineshine's Milk Tea. It's a must every day to take one bottle!

Beauty Is Pain.

Had an amazing service today. A word filled with revelations. Transformed my mindset on my life. After service, went down to Plaza Singapura for lunch.. Had a great time with Abigail, Marvin and Joanne. Haha..

After that, Joanne and me headed down to Punggol.



Went to help out with CityCare.

Met one of the ministers there also. So up closed!! And he said "hi" to me. Wow... I was stund! After that, we went to one of the blocks to eat. We were disappointed when we didn't see our MacDonald meals over there. But our hero came.. And we realised we had abundance of MacChicken to eat. And i couldn't help but eat 2 burgers. Was so hungry! After that we took a cab home. My feet is hurting like crazy now...!! Wore my platforms the whole day. And i barely sat down the whole night. Now can rest a bit..

I can't wait to start this week. Believe that it'll be great. I just feel so excited in my heart. I believe that God will do a new work in my life. I don't want to stay the same..! I was reminded of a vision i had months ago about a runner running in a race. And God told me that He's always beside me guiding. Behind me, supporting me. In front of me, leading me. And i want to finish this race well. And again, on Saturday at the airport, Sharon said something that reminded me about my visions and dreams to be a singer and actress. Thank You, Jesus, for Your faithfulness in my life.

Change Of Blog Skin

I decided to have a change of my blogskin. Had this inspiration from Joanne.. Haha.Well, as usual, i'm still figuring out some stuff. But hopefully i won't mess it up like i did last time. But well.. Since i'm here already, i mind as well blog a little before i go off fixing up this skin.

I was suppose to have tuition today. But my tuition teacher had a last minute course to attend. So had no choice but to cancel. Make me rush out my work yesterday.. It's ok. At least i've almost completed my work. Can relax a bit. Anyway, for the past week. I have been having weird dreams. I don't remember them now but every morning when i wake up, i'll be like, "what was that all about???" So it was really weird. Yet at the same time funny. Aiya.. Say also you won't know.

Alritey, won't go on now. I'm going to continue doing my things and after that, watch drama!!

Words Are Not Enough.

I woke up at 4am this morning. Met Audrey under her block at 6.30am and then we headed off to Veron's house and waited for Johnson to pick us up. We went to Northview Primary. The cab felt as if it was flying.. Couldn't sit still at the back. Haha. Anyway, i was partnering with Stephen today. We only had to do one lesson. And i was very blessed by the story that was included in the module. It goes like this.

Story:The Wooden Bowl

An old man lived with his son, daughter-in-law. and grandson. As he was old, he hands often trembled and he could not see properly.

Every night, the family would eat dinner together at the dinner table. But because the grandfather's hands was shaky and he could not see properly, he would often make a mess at the dinner table. One day, the son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Dad," said the son.

So the son and daughter-in-law set a small table in the corner for him to have his dinner alone. The rest of the family continued to have their dinner at the dinner table. Since the old man has been breaking some bowls, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes, the old man would have tears in his eyes as he ate alone. The grandson watched it all in silence.

One evening before dinner, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked his child sweetly, "what are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "oh, i am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when i grow up." The boy smiled and went back to scrap the wood. The words struck the parents and they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both of them knew what had to be done.

Since then, the grandfather ate every meal with the family at the dinner table.

The End

When i heard this story, it reminded me of my grandma and how she was left in the old folks home for years before she went to live with my aunt. I barely got the chance to go and visit her. I didn't even get the chance to tell her how much i love her, how grateful i am for giving me my name and thanking her for taking care of me when i was young. I came back from church that Sunday and got a call that she passed away. And that she was wanting to see me. I miss her so so much.. So when people make fun of my name, it keeps reminding me of her. And it hurts so badly.., knowing that i will never see her again..

The Will To Carry On

It has been rather mentally torturing the past week. Especially last night. I just wanted to give up this race that i've been running. Well, tired isn't an excuse. But i just felt like i didn't want to do this anymore. Today, i told myself that i must get something out of the Cell Group meeting. And indeed i have. It was simply amazing..!! Well, at least for me, it was. So anyway, after the meeting, we went to the hawker to eat. Special thanks to Yufen and Joanne for the chicken rice. I appreciate it. As usual, i couldn't finish all my food so gave them to Hexing. Thank you for always helping me eat my food. Haha.. Oh man.. And now, those who were at the table knows who i like all thanks to my beloved Yufen and Joanne.. Ahh!! Please keep it a secret for me.. After eating, i went back to Tampines with Yufen.

Decided to call my mum and asked her where she is. So, in the end, i met my mum and dad to eat Japanese food. Awesome! I don't have to pay. Besides, i don't have money.. Was so full... I had a great time with my parents. On top of that, i want to spend more time with them and show them that i really do care. And for the past week, i didn't even go out. Well, except to meet John to pass him his rugby ball. And that was just 2 hours out of the house. I wondered how i survived the 5 days at home. But i really thank God that during this 5 days, it was fantastic at home. No scoldings, no nothing. It was so peaceful.. First time. Hopefully it'll continue on this way.

To be continued...

I just came home. Went to meet Joanne and Wei Ren. And Yufen was at Coffeebean with her friends and thus, saw her. Anyway, i decided to blog again because i just saw my handphone bill and it's only $18.83!!! I'm so proud of myself! Unbelievable!! I'm so going to ask for a reward from my mum. Haha.. This is some kind of record! I deserve a reward.

The End

Rough Morning

Waking up was really tough for me this morning. Not because i was really tired. I had a dream while i was asleep. I can still remember the dream vividly now even as i close my eyes. It's kind of hard to put in into words. But basically, it was a dream of me, not that i like to dream about myself, and no matter what i want to do, i will still fail. In the dream, there were my dream to be a singer, my family and my studies. I was awaken from this dream by my handphone's alarm. And when i woke up, i realised that i couldn't move and my back was hurting like crazy. Suddenly, i felt like a complete failure again. I immediately dropped Cindy a message saying that i may not be able to help out today because of my back. After that, i closed my eyes and prayed in my heart because somehow i couldn't exactly talk as well. And before i know it, i fell back to sleep. And again, i had another dream. Well, i can't remember what the second dream was. But i guess it wasn't good cause when i work up, my whole eyes swelled. I laid in bed for another hour, praying in my heart. I knew that some regrets from the past are rushing back to me. And i really don't want to be overwhelmed by them again. I want to move on. I made a loud cry in my heart and then i felt a release. Thank God. Although i had a tough morning, the rest of the day was great just by staying at home.

Ever since Sunday's service, my mum hasn't scolded me or chased me out of the house. I pray that this will continue. Perhaps she's been in a good mood. Hopefully this will last. Now, in my heart, i'm really feeling very happy. Although things hasn't been going the way i have been hoping the past 18 to 19 years, i just thank God that i am able to experience His goodness throughout my life. It hasn't been easy, but God has always been faithful.

Alritey, i'm going to go watch some shows already. See ya! :)

Great Sunday!

Can't believe i managed to wake up today. I was super tired last night. Went to Expo with Jasmine. It has been so long since we last go to church together. Missed those days. And it has even longer since we last "cheat" to book seats. She had to meet her Children's Church i/c so we managed to pass through the doors where the ushers were guarding. So after waiting for her, We managed to sneak in with the SOT members. Good, right? Had a fantastic service today. Anyway, after service the Cell Group went Plaza Singapura for fellowship. And i can't believe we stayed at the foodcourt of around 2 hours just chatting and taking photos. At around 5 plus, a few of us felt really tired already and decided to go home. But i had a mission to do- meet Jo. We went to eat at Century Square foodcourt. As a result of overwhelming population in there, after eating, we headed down to the 2nd level ladies' toilet. It's the nicest toilet in Tampines. And believe it or not, we spent more than an hour slacking. It was so comfortable. And of course, i took some pictures.


Available at WATSONS. Haha. Of course not!!




I had the feel to catch a movie.

HANCOCK!
It was the BEST show i've watched this year. It was funny and it also had a different kind of love story. Pretty touching. Nice.. Planning to watch another show tomorrow actually.. Jo, on?? Haha.

Better Best Forgotten

Decided to enter something more proper. Past few entries were songs that i was addicted to and i'm still addicted to. But it doesn't exactly portray what i'm feeling. (Don't want anyone to read in too much by the lyrics of those songs.)

Last week, i didn't sleep for 2 days straight. I did, 2 hours or so only! Can't believe it myself either. I thought i would die flat. But i just got into a coma on Sunday morning.

Anyway, I went to a primary school today with CityCare. Had to wake up early. Thought i could sleep in today but.. Oh well. Never regret waking up early. I had a great fun. The kids are simply adorable!! I was so tempted to bring them home with me.. Their voices are so loud and squeeky!! Adrian and i almost fainted.. Had a horrible heahache on the way back to Suntec. Was horrible.. Went to meet Hexing for dinner. We went Hong Kong Cafe to eat.. Yummy!! Love it! It's been so long since i last went there to eat. After that we went window shopping. And with about an hour, Hexing went to the washroom 8 times!!! Now i know what i can get for him on his birthday.. Adult pampers!! Oops..

And now, i've lost of words to say. Oh.. Well, there's 2 areas of my life that needs desperate breakthrough in. One, my finances. My bank is left with almost nothing..! The other is, i can't tell you!! Marry me and then maybe i would. Haha!